If he gives you details of his affair, will he regain your trust?

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What does it take to trust someone again? What will it take for you to be able to believe your cheating man after his infidelity proved he’s not trustworthy?

That’s a tough one. You want to trust him. No one wants to be in love with a liar or adulterer. After all, you love the man. Being able to go back in time and feel that comfort and security again would be a dream come true.

Trouble is, will actually hearing all the details bring you comfort or stir up yet another hornet’s nest or two? Will his confession lessen the hurt you feel or somehow make it feel better?

Probably not. What it can do, though, is give you both a clean slate and a starting point for moving forward with fixing the problems in your marriage. Once he divulges his secrets, jot them down somewhere (where he can’t find them) as soon as possible, while his claims are still fresh in your mind.

What you may notice over the ensuing weeks, as he lets more and more of the details trickle out, is that there are inconsistencies — sometimes huge ones. Don’t ‘call him’ on these red flags yet. Yes this is playing dirty but right now you need to keep a paper trail. If you say anything too soon he may clam up again once his defenses kick back in.

So let him keep talking — and giving him more rope to hang himself with.

There will be a time (either on your own or with the help of a counselor) when you will produce your notes and renegotiate your terms in light of his behavior.

Only you can decide if he’s struggling and trying his best to be honest, or if he’s just digging himself a hole too deep to ever get climb out of again. At least, this way, you have concrete evidence and can’t fool yourself by making excuses and blaming your poor memory.

At this point, forgive him anyway, as forgiveness is good for the soul, but make some hard decisions about how much more you’re willing to work at it, or if it’s time to consider ending your marriage.