Cheating hurts: He doesn't understand how I feel after his affair

Picture of woman with book lost in thought.jpg

“It’s like he doesn’t understand at all. He acts like I’m the one who’s killing our marriage because I won’t let it go. He thinks it’s over and done with and in the past, and I should just move on like he has. Make like it’s no big deal — but I can’t. Why doesn’t he understand how much it hurts? How can I communicate to him what he’s done to me?”

Could those words be yours?

Do you feel like, even though you’re still living with your husband after he had an affair, your marriage might not recover because he hasn’t acknowledged the injury he’s done to you?

Certainly you need that acknowledgement. You can’t begin to fully heal until the pain you’re feeling is known and understood by the cheater who caused it.

It’s completely normal for a woman whose husband had an affair to believe that if only he could feel what she is feeling, then he would be as devastated as her and finally offer a believable apology. It’s normal to think: Surely if he could feel my pain like I feel it, he would be moved to rescue me from it.

But pain is hard to communicate. What you are feeling is unique to you. The injuries to your mind, and your soul, depend on your own personal vulnerabilities, developed over your lifetime of experiences.

You probably feel some combination of what most women feel after their husbands’ infidelity…

  • a sense of personal failure
  • abandoned, and afraid of being abandoned again
  • betrayed
  • humiliated
  • inferior to the other woman
  • rejected
  • ugly
  • unloved

…but you may feel something else entirely too. Whatever you feel, it is justified.

You are right to think that your husband needs to grasp what you’re feeling, and understand the hurt he’s caused, before your marriage can recover. But how can you make HIM realize that?

It’s probably hard for you to make him understand, all by yourself, what he needs to do. You are too close to each other, and he probably doesn’t take you as seriously — doesn’t HEAR you — the way he would hear an independent advisor telling him what he has to do to make things right.

I want to introduce you to the book How to Survive an Affair, along with its companion workbook.

One of the major benefits of the How to Survive an Affair program is its ability to serve as that independent voice.

Perhaps you haven’t been able to make your husband understand what you have been saying, about how he has hurt you… but if you can persuade him to begin this marriage survival program with you, together you can work your way through pages 83 through 91, for example, where there are exercises for each of you to see events through your partner’s eyes, and understand your partner’s perspective.

The fact that he can do some exercises alone, in full privacy, is another benefit — particularly for husbands who resist the idea of talking honestly with a counselor.

Once your husband achieves understanding, and knows the pain he has caused you, and offers a heartfelt apology you can BELIEVE IN — then your marriage has a much better chance of surviving. You can begin to work on rebuilding trust, with the ultimate goal of forgiving the affair and rebuilding your marriage into one that will last for years to come.

If you want to stay married, and want you and your husband to arrive at the rebuilding stage quickly (and together) — you will find all the details on how to do this in

How to Survive an Affair

Even if you feel there is no way your husband will participate in the program with you, please consider it. The program is designed to help you begin healing on your own. In fact, this is the first step you should take. Once your husband sees the change in you, he may come around as other husbands do, and want to go through the program himself.

Certainly there is expense involved since the program must be purchased. But remember, divorce is MUCH more expensive, as is face-to-face counseling. This comprehensive program represents a savings compared to individual therapy or marriage counseling. Plus, this program has a 3-month guarantee so you have nothing to lose.

The program is the most direct method for healing the pain that is oppressing you. Please use this link right now and start on the path to his understanding… and your forgiveness.