I’ve heard your story before: You want to get back with your ex and you’ve read everywhere that one of the rules you need to follow to reignite that spark in his or her heart is to start giving them the cold shoulder and avoid all contact after the breakup. It’s called the No Contact Rule.
While this can be effective, it’s hard to practice when there are children involved. So how do you maintain no contact with your ex if you have a child together?
Well obviously, you can’t really do that.
While most couples have no real need to stay in touch after a breakup — making any contact that does happen seem like an attempt to get back together — it would be irresponsible for a parent to avoid all contact with the mother or father of their child.
If you DO avoid contact that strictly you’ll just come off as bitter, resentful and childish. What you need to do instead is find a way to keep your practical requirement for occasional contact with your ex from triggering needy, emotional behavior on your part.
The key here is to keep contact at a minimum, and ensure any contact that does happen is at the same time friendly (in the sense of being reasonable and polite) and practical.
When there is contact you two should discuss things related to your child, not your personal lives. Don’t ask your ex broad, general questions. Just stay focused on matters that are actually relevant to your child. That keeps you from showing personal attachment to your ex, which is the heart of the “no contact rule”.
The other difficulty is that you only control part of the interaction and the intentions of your ex during contact will not be as clear. While contact after a regular break up can usually be seen as a clear sign of interest, it’s harder to make a distinction between renewed interest from your ex and more common friendly behavior that just arises naturally from contact. This is why you need to keep yourself cool and practical, so you can feel if they start pushing harder, demonstrating a potential interest in getting back.
The telephone is a great way to avoid face to face interaction when there is an issue that can’t be addressed through email or text messaging. This is important because among other things, your feelings for your ex are easier to see in person and you want to avoid showing them after a breakup.
This is one of the most difficult parts of following the “no contact rule” when you can’t actually keep “no contact”. You need to be rational enough to know how much contact is really necessary when you have all these feelings clouding your judgment.
If your ex starts asking for favors, even though you might be tempted to say yes, you need to ask yourself sincerely if that is something you would do for someone else. Unless it is something directly involving your child, your standard response should be something along the lines of “I’m busy”, stated in a matter of fact but non-aggressive way.
Only consider it if it is something simple, a common courtesy type of favor to avoid seeming like you are “trying” to avoid contact. The avoidance has to seem to be a natural consequence of you getting on with your life, not something done on purpose. This is not a problem when there are no children involved because there is simply no need for contact.
The type and degree of contact you’ll need to maintain with your ex depends a lot on the circumstances in which the child is being raised. Don’t try to fit your child’s needs into your plan to get back with your ex, but instead fit your plan to get your ex back into your child’s needs.
This is not only the most ethical thing to do, it’s the most effective way to ensure you don’t come off as desperate.
Another thing you may be able to implement is “contact by proxy”, meaning using a third party to relay messages to and from your ex. This should be someone you trust and who can play this part in a natural way, such as the child’s grandparents or another close relative.
When you have children together you cannot follow the “no contact” rule to the letter but you can still follow it in principle. This advice will help you grasp the spirit of it so you can understand how to use it in your own personal situation.
We are dedicated to helping you do just that. Whether you want to get back with your ex girlfriend, or get your boyfriend back — we have the best, no-nonsense advice to help you plan your attack. Let us help you get your lover back!