You’re asking yourself, “How do I get my ex back after I cheated? What’s the secret?”
There are those who think that if one of the partners in a relationship cheats on the other, then the relationship must end. Others believe that any relationship can be saved after an affair, if both partners are willing to work on it.
Cheating on your partner is a breach of the trust in your relationship. You will need to make changes in your attitude, as well as in your actions. It is possible to save your relationship, but the first step has to be YOU making an effort to boost your partner’s level of trust in you.
You had an affair. This means your attitude toward your relationship was one which permitted you to cheat. Maybe there was something in the fabric of your relationship that was torn — but you can mend the tear.
Do you know what it was that you were trying to find, when you strayed? Were you looking for more excitement? Better sex? Was your partner not making time for you? Had your ex become unattractive to you?
If there was nothing wrong with your relationship, you wouldn’t have been driven to cheat. You need to figure out what needs to happen in order to fix it. What changes need to be made?
Maybe the only changes that need to be made, need to be made in YOU — but it’s just as likely that changes will be required on both sides.
To restore your partner’s trust in you, and resolve the fundamental problems in your relationship, you’re going to need to sacrifice and do something that’s hard: together with your partner, seek out marriage counseling, or couples therapy.
Even if you figure out on your own what went wrong, just knowing what went wrong isn’t enough. It will take concrete action to fix the problems. If it seems to you that both of you need to take action, then you’ll need to make a plan together. A counselor can help you find your way down this difficult road.
Remember, it’s going to take more than talking to restore the trust in your relationship. Beyond talking, you’ll be required to do the right things.
The trust between you needs to be re-built from the bottom up. Do this in small steps. Make it a point to make promises, and keep them. You can do this with little things: you can say you’ll do the dishes every evening, and then do it, consistently. Or promise to run an errand, and then really do it, no excuses. By demonstrating that you can be trusted — that you can live up to small commitments — you’ll gradually restore your partner’s confidence in you.
After you’ve cheated, your partner knows that saving your relationship is going to require changes in you. You will need to provide constant reassurances that you are in fact changing. You won’t get away with apologizing only once. You need to apologize more than that, and you need to initiate the apologies.
It’s likely your partner is going to bring up your violation of trust again and again. Just accept this, and take it in stride. What you have done is not an easy thing to forgive. If you want to stay with your partner, recognize that healing will take time. Be patient.
Just because you need to accept the bitter comments your partner makes doesn’t mean you need to feel guilty about your indiscretion for the rest of your life. If, as time goes by, you find that your partner is still constantly trying to make you feel guilty, and using that to get their way, that could be a sign that the changes in your relationship are not the best ones. Be understanding, but also recognize that getting back together is no accomplishment if, in the end, both of you aren’t happier together. You need to be happy too.
Ideally, you’ll one day begin to see the incident as a positive thing. You’ll remember that it was an opportunity for you and your partner each to grow as individuals. Your affair can be a trigger for your relationship to improve. After healing, a broken bone is strongest at the point of the break. Likewise a broken relationship, once healed, can become stronger for the lessons learned.
It will take time to rebuild the trust in your relationship. It will require changes in both attitudes and actions. But it is possible to get your ex back after you’ve cheated.
We are dedicated to helping you do just that. Whether you want to get back with your ex girlfriend, or get your boyfriend back — we have the best, no-nonsense advice to help you plan your attack. Let us help you get your lover back!