In the time between breaking up and getting back together with your ex, what should you expect?
1. Expect to be depressed.
In the first moments after your ex broke up with you, you probably felt numb. Maybe you were angry too, but the numbness probably overwhelmed all other feelings. You probably wanted to be alone.
And then later, when you were around other people again, you probably felt like everyone was looking at you, and like you were not really inside your own body. This is referred to as feeling like you are “on stage,” and it is a very common way for someone to feel when they are grieving a loss.
It is normal to continue feeling this way for days. Even after the feeling goes away, it is normal to feel depressed and alone. You should expect this.
But if your ultimate goal is getting back together with your ex, understand that getting back together is almost impossible until you have overcome your depression. As long as you are still depressed, you won’t be able to say and do what is necessary for getting back your ex.
It is especially important not to show your depression in front of your ex. You don’t have to go so far as to act like you don’t care, but don’t be melodramatic or weepy. At least, act like you’re emotionally stable.
2. Expect your ex to shut you out.
After breaking up with you, your ex does not want to talk to you. Your attempts to communicate, no matter how brief, will be unwelcome.
You will be tempted to call, or text, or email, or even show up in person where you know your ex will be — but don’t let yourself do this. Your ex was pretty clear in saying, “I don’t want to be with you any more.” Pay attention to this. Hear what you were told.
You can assume that breaking up with you is stressful for your ex (though maybe not as stressful as it is for you.) Be considerate. Don’t make it harder on your ex; don’t make your ex bear the full burden of shutting off communication. Frequent advances from you, right after breaking up, will only annoy your ex and promote negative feelings toward you.
Getting back together absolutely requires a “quiet period” between the breakup and the reconciliation. You might as well get this quiet period over with as soon as possible.
3. Expect it to take time.
Much as you might wish for it, there is no magic spell that will turn back the clock and let you undo whatever you did that caused your ex to dump you. And simply saying to your ex, “Please take me back,” rarely works.
Getting back together takes time. There has to be time for each of you to stop focusing on the end of your relationship, and events that took place leading to that end. The good memories from your relationship need to outweigh the bad ones. It takes a while for the memories to settle into place, but because the good times lasted longer than the bad times, eventually they will form the strongest memories.
There has to be time for both of you to heal, and start looking forward to a new relationship. Getting back together happens when both of you find your new relationship in each other, instead of in new partners.
It is hard to know how to pass your time during this healing period. It is also hard to know how to behave toward your ex, to make the good memories rise to the surface as quickly as possible. You can benefit from a proven plan that works.
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